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crazyapril007
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Name: ApriL
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: San Jose
Birthday: 4/27/1990
Gender: Female
Interests: Milton: "Reason is but choosing."
Dost thou know me?
Methinks I should know you.
Message: message me
Member Since:
4/19/2003
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| I don't know if I'll ever learn. I always study outside of my classes, but I'm always too lazy to take notes. SO WHEN MIDTERMS AND FINALS ARRIVE, I get stuck with spending most of my time finding the information, writing them down, THEN study...but after my tests, I'm glad I do this because the material is always fresh in my mind.
Still, I'm stuck staying up around four in the morning doing an all-nighter with God knows many cups of coffee in my system and it makes me jittery as fuck. That has to be blasphemous having the Lord's name and the word "fuck" in the same sentence. Twice.
But I'm starting to realize this was probably the worst class to cram for though. I remember it being a feat cramming for my Asian Civilizations course last semester because my professor would give us 75+ terms and have us ID the who, what, where, when, why's of five terms, match up only 25 terms, and giving us an essay question out of the six he gave us. And cramming totally worked. But my Early American History professor gave us like...hold on, let me count...basically around 150 terms of which he is only going to choose FIVE to ID. WHAT THE HECK. AND do one of the three essay questions he's provided. And after doing about 50 so far, I realize he probably won't care for as much as a thorough explanation that my Asian Civ. class required. He doesn't give the class a slight clue as to what to expect! I should have asked questions. Fml.
I think I'm about to crash soon. Plus, I'm on my period and damn it, pms makes me sleepy and sensitive.
No...I should have wrote notes for the readings in this class. Instantly regret it.
I'm hella typing up notes and when I look down at my book, I realize my legs are shaking like crazy and then I look at my hands on the keyboard and they're a little jittery and I think stupid shit like how I want to tell my future children about this and tell them to never do what I do and think in my mind that it will sound funny then because this is one of those things that you laugh about later in life.
ANYWAY, I've given up on thorough notes and am working on simply writing significant words than will make me recount from memory. I'm just so damn OCD about being thorough, it bothers me. I can't believe it's Wednesday. This week is already going by so fast for me.
I really want to talk about my weekend, but I'll hopefully feel up to doing that later today AFTER my midterm. And you know you've had too much coffee when your hands start smelling like coffee.
Two Snaps & a Twist.
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| "And the talking leads to touching
And the touching leads to sex
And then there is no mystery left."
Better than this.
...
Getting back into violin. Going to try and bring my keyboard and guitar back to Sac as well when I come home next weekend.
Things to look forward to next weekend:
See Trina.
Be with Trina.
Trina. Trina. Trina.
Be with brother and sister.
Go to dim sum with mom.
Clean car.
Trina.
Possibly get sushi with Jacinta and Ariel?
Possible hang out with Lily.
Trina. Again.
Two Snaps & a Twist
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| I'm studying for my biology midterm right now, and I feel like my professor has a Ph.D. in ambiguity rather than organic biology.
Trina's here at my apartment and we basically spent the day with me studying and typing things up on my laptop and her next to me doing things for work on hers. It was nice just having her next to me and I wish that I could take a picture of the moment because it's one of those things you want to remember 50 years from now; because it's a moment when you feel infinite and I've only ever felt infinite with her.
She asked me to get back with her last night and I remember feeling angry and upset. We agreed we couldn't be together because it's just too hard being away from each other and that's fathomable, but she told me she's finally letting me back in. I've been trying so hard for her to notice and acknowledge that we're it for each other. It's gravity. And a part of me is angry that it took her so long to realize everything. A part of me just wants to be hers again though in a way, I always have been. I'm angry, hurt, upset, hopeful, and relieved.
She makes great coffee. I joke that I'm going to marry her just so she can make me great coffee every morning. I want it to be in my marriage vows: "I'm marrying her just for the coffee." I think she would slap my shoulder at the altar. She's experimenting with the coffee, trying different types and amounts of sugar. She comes up to me asking if I like it. I told her I'd make her a deal. If it's good, I'll kiss her. If it's bad, I'm breaking up with her. The coffee's always good. Now she'll come up to me and lean over and say, "Just pretend I made you good coffee."
She's lying down in my bed and watching tv right now while I'm studying in the living room. I remember feeling excited after I got out of class, knowing I'm having something to come home to.
...I'm happy, but I'm wondering what took so long for you to get it.
Two Snaps & a Twist.
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| This could be something incredible,
Or not worth my time.
Two Snaps & a Twist.
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| Stage two cancer; that's the diagnosis. Oral cancer on the tongue moved to the throat and lungs. I told you it would happen when they initially diagnosed you. "I have it taken care of," you said. I believed you. You were taking your medicine after all. But it spread.
And your head is hurting more and more everyday and I've been thinking that you've had a tumor for the past few months. I told you to go to the doctor. You don't want to know. You don't have the money, you said. Constant head pain, constant stomach pain, constant mouth pain, constant breathing pain...but this is all very human.
And she wakes up these nights fearing you'll die and cry for hours and I want to yell, maybe laugh in her face, tell her she's crazy. Superheroes don't die from human illnesses. No, superheroes die from kryptonite, venom, maybe even a broken heart, not something as human as cancer. Don't be a silly girl.
God put you on this earth to save lives, to help people. I don't believe your time is anytime soon. I believe you will get through this. I believe in you because you're my superhero. I just need a reason...a reason...just need to give you a reason...
I wish I was enough to be your reason.
I like feeling you against my skin, it makes me feel whole. Not in a way that assumes you're my other half. Just complete, no longer fractured. The platonic swipe of your fingers seem to mend some of my broken pieces...And yet I have to remind myself, though it feels like trickery rather than truth, that you too are human. And I don't understand how crude, ugly things like blood and bone could combine to form such delicate perfection. As often as they occur, moments like this are strange to me. I still don't understand how you affect me like this. You are of the same make-up as every other person who has ever lived. You're just heart and mind and muscle, just like me. We are built from the same pieces. For what isn't the last time, I wonder if ours were made to fit together.
I wonder if this is some divine intervention to punish me for being selfish and taking the people around me for granted. (I shouldn't have left...) I wonder if You take superheroes away from the world just as easily as you place them here. I wonder what Your plan is for mine. You have a plan, there is such a thing as fate and destiny and yet You created such a thing as free will. There lies the paradox, and maybe my reasoning is what's causing the atheists and the agnostics and the non-believers to scoff in my face, but maybe it's my fate to be enough. I can give you reason. I can be your reason. Please God,
Let me be enough.
Two Snaps & a Twist.
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